Friday, September 11, 2009

Visiting Shana's

Briar Rose: Becca
A Child Called It: Dave

Two weeks after Becca returned from Poland, she received a call from Shana and Sylvia. “We wanna know about Gemma too!” exclaimed Sylvia. They were both upset that Becca hadn’t tried to contact either of them since she got back. She had meant to, she really had, but being exhausted and jet-lagged, she hadn’t gotten around to it yet.

“We’re getting together at once,” Shana said as a statement, not a question. Finally, after a long time of listening to her sisters’ bickering over the phone, the three girls agreed to go to Shana’s.

Six days later, Becca was standing on Shana’s front porch. She rang the doorbell, and moments later Shana arrived at the door. She walked in to find not only Sylvia and the kids, but also another woman and who Becca assumed was her son. Shana introduced her as Tracy, her next door neighbor.

“This is my son, David,” Tracy said, gesturing towards the little boy sitting at her feet. “David, can you say hi?” There was something strange about David. He sat there, not talking, not responding to Tracy’s request. He had bruises up and down is body, and a large scar on his left arm. Shana must have realized that Becca noticed all these bruises, because she gave her a strange look like “don’t say anything.”

“So,” Sylvia began. “Let’s hear all about your trip to Poland.” Shana brought everyone out coffee and donuts, and as they ate and sipped their drinks, Becca made sure to tell them everything. She left out no details. She told them about Josef, about their grandfather, about Chelmno, Kulmhof, or whatever you want to call it. They sat there intently for a long time, listening to every word Becca had to say. Becca was shocked at how interested in her story her sisters seemed to be. They had never been supportive of her trip to Poland, and had never shown any interest in Gemma’s past at all.

When Becca was done, Tracy excused herself. “Well, this was fun, but I should be getting home now. Come on David, let’s go. It was nice to meet you, Becca.”

It took Becca just moments after they walked out the door for her to ask the question that had been on her mind all afternoon, “What happened to that boy?”

Shana and Sylvia looked at each other nervously and sighed. “Becca,” Shana began. “David is a foster child. His real mother, well, she isn’t very nice. Becca, David is one of the most severe cases of child abuse in the country.”

Becca was speechless. The next day at work, she decided to look up Dave’s case online. “Becca, is that work-related?” asked her new boyfriend and collegue, Stan as he was walking by. She told Stan all about David, and the two of them sat together reading everything they could find about the little boy. The things they read about him and his alcoholic mother had Becca in tears, wondering how anyone could treat their child like that. After that day at work, Becca never looked into his case again, but she never ever forgot David Pelzer.


  1. I enjoyed this story. It is believable also. I can picture your story and it seems to fit with what I had in mind with 'A Child Called It'. I think it is realistic that Dave is still haunted by what his mother did to him. This story made me think of everything I remember reading from 'A Child Called It'.

    The dialogue seemed realistic. I believe that everything they say fits with the characters. I thought that the dialogue was acurately placed throughout the story. The details that made it seem real were the similarities to the stories and the beleivable scenerios. The scenerios match the stories in a way where it could possibly have been written as an epilogue to the stories.

    "The things they read about him and his alcoholic mother had Becca in tears, wondering how anyone could treat their child like that. After that day at work, Becca never looked into his case again, but she never ever forgot David Pelzer." This quote is true to people who have heard about David's story. People are touched by his bravery and it does leave some in tears. After hearing about a situation as bad as his you can't help but feel sorry for him.

    One thing I found distracting with you story was your wording. I got confused in some places. There are also a few errors in grammar. Other than that I thought your story was fine. I did not pick up on any spelling errors. I also did not question the way you wrote it.

    One thing you might consider, would be your descriptions. Not all of us read the same story. It might help us imagine the character if we know what they look like. You could include basic physical features as one way to help us visualize the characters in your story

  2. I flt that this story was interesting but very short and brief. After reading this story I feel that a lot of questions haven't been answered. I can see David sitting on the floor at Tracy's feet and then Becca asking what happened to him. My idea after reading this story is that it is very sad about what happened to David. This story makes me think about how awful child abuse really is, and how people like Tracy help children who are abused.

    The conversation between the characters did seem authentic because it flowed well, but there wasn't a lot of dialogue. The plot seems very natural and not far fetched, it seems that it is plausible. There should be more dialogue though. there isn't very much in the story.

    My favorite part is the beginning,"“We’re getting together at once,” Shana said as a statement, not a question". This stood out too me because it starts out the story very well. You want to know who she is getting together with. Also why she is getting together with them. It really grabs the readers attention.

    I felt that this essay was short and there were many grammar mistakes. The essay could have been more descriptive and have a better plot. The grammar mistakes could've been fixed by proof reading the essay. This would've made the essay better as a whole.

    My advice would be to be more descriptive and lengthen the stories you write. Being more descriptive, I find, makes it easier to write longer stories. It also helps the reader understand more. This essay is overall good but it could have been improved.